Izzy Peazy

madame

Izzy ☺
Female ♀ & Turning 17 ,
Muhammad Hairil Bin Samsuri ♥
PEPS Class of 05'
YISS Class of 09'
Current student in ITE CW

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Friday, January 30 18:47

there's so many question to ask,
yet, i cant find anyone to help me answer.
this never ending story of mine, when will it end?

Ms Prema shared a story that was similar to mine.
About a friend, who is really really sick.
She said she understand what im going through.
Her words made me cry.
She said something like
"i understand how you're feeling cause this friend of mine is really sick and he doesnt have much time left"

I wanted to cry, but i hold back my tears and end up with teary eyes.
Prema said that prayers helps.
Even what i said in my heart, she's able to listen.
Prema even said that she bet leesy wants me to be happy and not sad.
True enough, but im just not strong enough.
I admit it, im not strong.

Naddd said " Faizah is living in denial "
Which is also true.

Okay, i think its enough of everyone's say.
Everyone said alot of things to pull me back.
Im not sure if its working.

Cancerstick, i'll die soon because of you.

Thursday, January 29 20:44

so, i cried to this wise guy's saying.
i dont think this needs to be private.

Murtadha, Ahmad says:
# izzie..be honest to your self..know waht u really want..know who u really are..speak up your mind..see situation as an obstacle for u to learn from see the people around you..see and understand them.see and know them, see and recognise them then u'll start understanding ure life.
# stop running away..by running away, you wont even understand your ownself...you wont know waht u want
# you see..ure just running away again..u nid leesya by your side to live?izzie the fact is..u are living without her..shes no longer by your side. but yet ure still breathing..this just show,u dint need her to live

i dedicate this song to this friend.
Thank you for being such a friend to me
Oh I pray a friend for life
And have I ever told you how much you mean to me
Oh, you mean so much to me
I'm thinking all the time
How to tell you what I feel
I'm contemplating phrases
I'm gazing at eternity
I am floating in serenity

And I am so lost for words
And I am so overwhelmed

Please don't go just yet
Can you stay a moment please
We can dance together
We can dance forever

Under your stars tonight
We'll live and breathe this dream

So close your eyes
but don't dream too deep
And please pass me some memories
And when I fall you're underneath
1000 broken hearts
Carried by 1000 broken wings

dont ask me if im okay anymore.
ask me if this is what i really want.

Tuesday, January 27 13:42

i dont think i want this anymore.
i know enough is enough.

i'll try to get back on my feets, i swear.
well, my blog has been a pig lately.
welcome to my emo blog.
emo = pig = me.

no more sorrow behind those smiles, i swear.
happily never after? it isnt for me.
i realise i deserve more.
thank god to those people who've helped me okayy.

izzie sayang semua orang yang telah membantu izzie dalam hal peribadi izzie.
izzie sudah berbahasa melayu, bermakna otak izzie sudah senget.
juga bermakna, izzie sudah sembuh.
Allhamdullilah, Amin.

ty: Ad,Aishah,Aqilah,Kkai,Iqa,Reza & Rhyee(alphabetically orders)

Monday, January 26 21:23

i didnt wish for things to happen.
the more alone i am, the more i fear.
i wish today was like 26 january last year.
but i know that things change for some reason
sometimes, for the better.

there are things people should know.
some people ask why i havent been myself lately.
some people ask why
i am running away from the fact that things are actually happening.
some people even asked why am i so afraid to share.

i still have this feeling about not sharing things with others
cause maybe im just used to telling to only this someone.
i know im being stubborn about moving on,
but, do me a favour and be in my shoes.

i know i have been giving cold shoulders to ad.
and im sorry. truly, sorry.
but trust me, i will be okay, alone.
i can manage stuffs on my own okayy.

for now, i think its better for me to go and rest.
_______________________________________________________________________________________

tag replies :

iqa ; tysm baby. dont worry about me okayy. i am s.t-rong.
reza ; she's on vacation maybe?
aqilah ; thanks hunny. i know you're always there (:
rhyee ; rhyee oh rhyee, thanks, but the eeling totally sucks lor ):
ad ; i know. sorry i have been neglecting you ad.

Sunday, January 25 16:52

are you dumber than dumb?
fuckyou la eh.

i admit i once did a mistake,
but that doesnt mean my life is trashed.
dont act as if you're doing the right thing for me.
both of you are bias.
you think you're doing whats best for me.
you think you're always right.
what?! im not suppose to live my life the way i want it to be?
now im telling you this, the mistake here, is both of you!

eh, bloodyhell, i wish you are reading this okay,
you people are too much.
did you think that i am too stubborn that i wont change?
didnt you think that i can learn from lessons?
if you're my parent, act like one.
you're not giving me any space for me to grow,
nor a place for me to be a better person.
my acts rely on you.
and my mistakes keep repeating cause you wont give a damn about my needs.
its all about your needs.

sorry to say that your life isnt what you wish for.
but it was your mistake and it wasnt mine.
i came after you live your life.
it was your mistake.
so quit trashing on my life.
bloodyhell.

fine! im still under your custody an i must listen to you.
but that doesnt mean that parent cant listen to their daughter's say.
that doesnt mean, each promises a parent made with their daughter can be broken!
what happen to your new year resolution dad?
if you're not dumb, stop acting like one!
i remembered the last time you said this
" yes, you can meet your girl friends that i've already know"
what happen to that man?

i know that Fai has crashed your dreams, but dont take it out on me!
im just 15 and i need space,atleast.
if you think you're being right about all this actions that you take,
you might want to think again.
if you think you're a good parent who has succesfully brought their children up,
think again, cause defintely, you're failed being my parent.
honestly.

somehow, right now, i wish the clock stop ticking.
somehow, i wish i can lean on someone.
somehow, i wish that someone would actually understand me.

Friday, January 23 17:48

the only thing that is keeping me together now is memories.
the fun we had.
the never ending laughter.
"you know that a thousand bodies couldnt replace one girl zye"

yes, i know that.
but i still couldnt figure out why it had to happen.
as precious as a diamond she is.
but why must she go.
im sorry for being emotional right now.
all the running made me remember about trainings.
the voices of each and everyone one of you was playing in my mind.
the funny dance, the funny cheers.
maybe the reason for me not to attend any training this year was about a girl.
i know that things are different now, and everyone has moved on.
but what if im still traped in the past.
what if im too scared to step ahead.
what if i fall and never get back on my feets?
who's gonna answer me now.

i miss Leesya, and i cant find anyone like her.
she's really my light.
and all im hoping for tonight, is to see her in my dreams.
if i do, i never want to wake up.
i can never be as happy as last year
cause i know it was the last year for things to really happen.
every hugs, kiss and wishes means alot to me.

every hugs i give, i wish it wasnt the last.
i love you leesya.

Tuesday, January 20 17:58

i felt like comitting suicide just now.
but i was browsing through my past mail
and i found this.

Dear you,
Who's reading this letter
Where are you and what are you doing now?

For me who's 16 years old
There are seeds of worries I can't tell anyone
If it's a letter addressed to my future self,
Surely I can confide truly to myself

Dear you,
Thank you
I have something to tell the 15-year-old you
If you continue asking what and where you should be going
You'll be able to see the answer
The rough seas of youth may be tough
But row your boat of dreams on towards the shores of tomorrow
Now, please don't be defeated and please don't shed a tear
During these times when you're seemingly about to disappear
Just believe in your own voice
For me, there are sleepless nights when I'm hurt
But I'm living the bittersweet present
There's meaning to everything in life
So build your dreams without fear
Keep on believing

Seems like I'm about to be defeated and cry
For someone who's seemingly about to disappear
Whose words should I believe in?

No matter what era we're in
There's no running away from sorrow
So show your smile, and go on living the present
you who's reading this letter
I wish you happiness...

Tuesday, January 13 20:36

put on a mask.
i know i dont have to lie about someone i love so much
but things hasnt been going so well.
everything is in a mess.
everything is screwed.
i know, life never is about a smooth journey.
its all about trying and taking risk.
or rather like Mr Yen said in class " taking an emotional risk "
paying up now will mean enjoying later, yes.
but all this shit that i have been going through, made me realise something.

revealing.
i've never been this down before.
and i've never throw such tantrum in school.
my past was never about me.
but everything gets intense as the day goes by.
holding on to the only person im close with, sarah.
thinking life is fair? i got the wrong the perception about life.
i know i need to get back on my feets.
but its like being thrown in a pool full with mud, drowned alone,
who's gonna help me get out of the pool now ?
look who's being emotional about life now?
yes reza, i support your question.
where's the girl you knew a year ago? has she left for good, or just on vacation?
all this talks with mom left the bullet in my head.
i know it doesnt make sense but what im trying to say is
i've been questioning myself what my mom question me.
is this really what i want in life,
or am i just threatening her so i might surprise her in future.

lielie,lie again.
i fake myself to much, but i know it'll cover things up.
i know things will be okay even if it means suffering now.
i know i havent been myself lately.
i know things will change again, to the better.
but i feel now that i have to do myself a favour and take this risk.
i want to be somebody who knows what she wants in future,
and not someone who only think she'll able to pull things through to get to the future.
even if it means "taking an emotional risk"
i'd do that.

i cant believe i just expressed things out today in blog.
full moon, she never fails to cheer me up.
she's so pretty, i wish i was her.

Thursday, January 1 15:08

This is Leesya's favourite song .

NewYearResolution:

Want to get a tattoo like fie

Smack Gaffar's head

I want to go Brazil with the rest of the SALs ,SCT and TLs !!

I need to pay more attention in class.

I musnt skip class, but i will skip training-S ( haha!!)

Take care of Sierra

Be a good BOY

Pass O's.

Fiq mofo said :

"it feels like last year is just yesterday" - fiq
"it WAS yesterday you mofo" - izzie.
fiq also asked me to share my sweet bitter memories with him.
i said its too long and i can make an essay out of it.
he told me to blog about it. so will he.

so, 2008 has been a retarded year for me.
it was full of ups and downs.
january and february is about heartbreaking.
march till november was about love.
november to december was about tears.

now to think of it,life in 2008 wasnt a good ride.
with the people who stepped in to my life,
there were people who stepped out of my life and left forever.
no laugh will be better than yesterday.
no tears will fall like yesterday.
promises after another, will i keep and hang to it.
every compromises others made, i forgive.

Aishah said :
" 2009 is here! (: Rmb, Life is short so break the rules, forgive & forget quickly, love truly with all your heart, laugh uncontrollably & never regret anything that made you smile. Wish to all the people you love & do not want to lose in 2009. Lots of love, aishah(: "
i almost cried after reading cause when i read the text, my mind went "dearest, i've already lost someone i love so much, rest well leesya"

About Leesya :
No one expected her to leave so soon.
She was still young, and very bright.
But her condition was already worst in dec2007.
I miss her, but life has got to move on.
I love my friends and i dont wish anyone to leave anymore.
Iqa, if you happen to read this, remember this,
life have to go on no matter what and you have to have faith in yourself.
with faith, you know everything will be alright.
(look who's talking now)

Im a looser :
i know, i've been a looser after leesya went away,
but i know she's out there somewhere, looking ater the people she love.
making sure, they are alright.
making me believe that when it rains, nothing can hurt me. T_T

Oh,2009 :
2009 is here and i want to start everything clean.
i told sarah that i wanna get a tattoo.
and i told her i wanna start walking like eiin.
and ask fie (aliffie) to send me to school.
and she said " kiwak, pas tu budk2 skolah kau nanti ckp kau matair ngn budak gangster maner(cause of his tattoos.)"
haha, i think its pretty awesome to have a tattoo.
i told fie i wanna get a tattoo on my waist,
and he said "ask effy" (he loves to jahanamkan badan orang)
sarah said having a tattoo on my waist is so ladytype.
so i said i wanna get it all over my chest and arm ; like fie uhh.
hahahahaha

Lovelies :
dayat and zack waited for me and sarah for like one hour yesterday.
we chilled and sang womanizer together.
hahaha.
dayat can fly.
and i thought dayat left his helmet with his bike, but actually its in zack's car.
bodo.
-oo- hahahaha

School :
school's tomorrow and im lazy to prepare things.
homework is 3/4 done, haha.
my buthow was suppose to follow me go queensway,
but i went with mama nora, abah man and fai instead.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

The Gereks :

Sarah,Yazlynn, Shya, Mawar, Nard, Nadd, Baya, Ahmad, Didi, Far,

Sillah, Ain e3, Syimah, Fatimah, Azira, Amirah, Amira, Liyana, Roxanne,

Tutu, Sazali,Wei ting, Chipmunks, Chairman, Eiin, Fie, Shawal, Effy,

Arleana, Arziana,Kak Lee, Fai, Aidil, Faezah ,the rest of 3e4 ,

i love you people okay.

so, i think thats enough for today.
happy holidays everyone!