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Izzy ☺
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Thursday, July 31 19:48
one after the other.i need someone who i can let everything out.
but when i tell someone, this someone will get mad.
so, no point telling anyone.
im cursing myself.
but u know even if i curse myself as much as i want to, things wouldnt be okey.
everything change.i agree.
i changed so much that i asked myself, who am i.
dear god,i want a real life.
i claimed that i have one.
but, this isnt the life that i ordered.
T_T
i disappointed everyone.
the teachers, gfs, didi, jadon.
im sorry.
a thousand sorries doesnt clear everything.
but im hoping that nothing happens after today.
curse me more. i deserve this ill-treat by everyone.
i understand if everyone wants to keep a distant from me.
i need a hug.
but even if i ask from everyone, i know there wont be any hug.
goodnight. and sorry.
a promise i made to leesya; i'll be good .if i dont, tell my parents.
she said ok.
ps:I've learned,that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
Wednesday, July 30 20:40
i think this picture sucks, but i dont think so people really care.
lets go.
ohmy.
im enervated.
yes,like totally.
all i want is my bed right now.
&& maybe with dearest by myside?
woah.
okey, yes, im vexed.
i feel so fucked up.
Jadon tried to cheer me up just now.
i think that was sweet.
he came up to me and ask if im ok.
eh? is it?
okey whatever.
atleast its a something.
rather then some people who dont bother at all.
&& yes, some friends made me happy.
like my new cliques.
Enol
Alep
Shya
Nad
Wanie
they make me happy.
yes, very happy.
haha.
hang around with Bob,Enol and Shya after school.
serious shitt.
everyone was high.
Shya&Enol ;supersuperhigh.
Bob& I ;normal. high.
okey, chatting with andy,edwin,leesya,cindy.
cindy asked if i have one wish,
what would i wish for.
i said; i wish i can know the list of people who loves me :D
Sunday, July 27 15:12
okey, i swear; i love you.
hohoho
I told myself I would never love again,
as much as I didn't want to; you came along and made me.
okeyokey,
ytd was awesome.
the morning performance was a disaster.
but our night performance was splendid.
yes, im happy.
haha.
ps; I just wonder how many people never get the one they want.
Thursday, July 24 16:28
featuring : Didi, Jadon, Andy, Kenneth,Farhan,Mom,Dad,Mrs Chiam,Ms TanEverything that ever caused a tear to trickle down my cheek,
I run away and hide from it.
But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me.
And I don't know what to do.
I just know that pain I felt so long ago ;
it's hurting ten times more.
I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get though anything,
but inside I'm fragile.
I've had so many things thrown at me,
and each one has only made a crack.
What I'm afraid of is shattering.
I don't know if I'm getting better or just used to the pain.
if possible, i want to get away from the people around me.
Didi,Jadon,Andy,Kenneth,Mom,Dad,Farhan,Mrs Chiam,Ms Tan.
Tuesday, July 22 19:45
featuring: Yazlynn,Syidin,Juniors,AppleNg,MrChow,Andy,Jadon,Farhan,Shamil, Faezah,Shya,Nad.yes, dear diary.
life has been a mess.
i stumbled really badly that i cant tolerate this unbearable pain.
This year has been a worst year of my history life.
I cant really meet up bestfriend, Yazlynn, because we're in different class now.
It suck so much that everytime i think of how she is doing, i feel the urge of crying.
Yazlynn has always been there for me since last year.
Her pain is my pain and her joy is her joy. -_-
But, lately, i've been sucking up to myself and telling everything is fine.
Syidin has been getting unreasonable punches and slaps because i let out my anger through him.
Yes, i know, im sorry but on the other hand, im angry that i still dont feel that he's there for me.If i hurt your feelings, im sorry. But this is the fact.
I can stand this anymore and i just have to let everything out.
My juniors are asses.
countless and countless of nagging i've been askng them to put in more energy.
But i guess,they're enthu in their own world.
wake up girls, standardize your move and move together.
performance is less than a week and everything looks awful.
I have been faking alot of smiles and laugh.
Yes, it hurts but i rather put on a fake smile ,
than to show everyone some asshole's expression. right?
So, mind your words infront of me if you happen to meet/passby me in school.
cause your bloodyballs,or head will get smacked by me.
I hate chemistry.
i havent been doing well in chemistry.
And fyi, i havent been paying attention in class since the early year.
Mr chow loves to shout, and in my head, im always screaming.
Whatever shit that he's singing; i dont bloody understand.
I use to love english because of apple.
Now im wondering how has he been doing?
Mr Apple, how are you doing? im pretty NOT well.
As you can see, my life is in a mess.
HELP ME, if you're reading this.
Shamil is always flattering me.
yes,he's back from Indonesia :D and he's sweet.
when he was in Indonesia, he looked up the sky everynight.
it touches me as i know that atleast,
there's still someone who's thinking of me.
i wonder if he's thinking of me now ?
bullshit.
Talking about being sweet,
i love the sweet memories in OBS.
i miss everyone esp Jadon. he made sure everything is ok nd treated me well.
somehow,he tooked my heart. "X
okey, wtf. im trying not to bump to him in school.
i seriously dont dare to look at him.
yes,i dont dare to look at Jadon anymore.
because , i just dont dare to.
i dont want him feel irritated.
Farhan is my new friend.
he told me something which is confidential
and i dont want to be rude by posting it out.
My friends got the wrong idea about Farhan and im so fucked up ;
with this particular girl.
Anyway, Faezah has been getting on my nerve.
Quit playing with your fringe.
It irritating and you irritate me alot.
I dont want to cause any hurt feelings but please,
dont change just because you had your fringe reborned.
Im irritated.
Im irritated by Andy cause of his attitude.
I said no once, what made you think i'll go training,
if you continue to persuade to me?
Think about it.
a second no still doesnt get up to your bloody head.
Im not bias. i dont go for training as and when i like.
my dance training is much more important than some jumping that i have to do.
-_________________________________________-
Shya and Nad has been such loveliess.
I share my tears and joys with them.
They are my sunshine who dries up my tears.
they are the arms for hugging.
To conclude ; i love you guys.every single one of you i mentioned.
im being sacarstic. but its the fact, i cant tolerate this anymore.
you want your truth. you got your truth.
but i want to know,
if i kill myself tonight,who will remember me tomorrow ?
tag me; or i'll curse you.
Sunday, July 20 12:07
yes, another week has passed and im still anguish.
i read my past posts and i see no difference in the weeks.
last two week, i used the term woebegone.
the week after, i was in predicament
and this week i used anguish.
people are always telling me to smile;
like smiling is going to just take away all the hurt and pain.
Well I've tried hiding my sorrows and covering the sadness in smiles
but it hurts so much that there's always a way of showing it
no matter how many masks i wear.
Sometimes I feel like nobody has held me down
and forced me to cry or made me hug them or seen to the inside of me.
I just say 'oh I'm fine' and walk away but nobody has ever said to me 'no you're not'.
ps;i f i would kill myself tonight, who would remember me tomorrow?
tag my board.
Friday, July 18 20:12
Things will be a little emotional here.Empty, betrayed, and no happiness whatsoever.
Yes,i don't want to laugh, because i know it's not going to help,
ad i don't want to cry, because it will just make me feel worse.
It feels like my heart is falling apart, but not only that,
i know soon my life is going to feel like it's falling apart too.
I don't think it will ever end, and no matter what this person has done to me,
it feels impossible to stop loving them.
And everyone wonders why if they have hurt us so much,
why do we still love them.
That's the confusing part, i don't know why but i just do,
and the people who hurt me the most, and normally the ones i love the most.
after a few days, i finally feel a sense of relief,
like im getting happy again, but i know inside that im just going into denial.
And after a few more days, i'll be back to be an empty soul with teary eyes.
Well i thought i got over it, but to be honest,i just stopped showing it.
And i can't help but to show it again.
It leaves deep scars on my heart that are there forever.
And no one understands how i feel,
and how deep i am hurt,
no matter who they are,
because it hasn't happened to them.
And even if it has, every broken heart is different.
They don't know the true pain i feel and carry each and everyday now,
so i learn that basically i am alone with all this.
When the feeling starts to overwhelm me,its a sudden that i just break down,
right there, because i know i've had enough.
The tears just instantly start flowing,
and its up to the point where i don't care who see's.
Because i've spent so many nights lying awake in bed,
and so many days being haunted by the scars and fear of r____________.
And in the midst of all these tears, i know that its not helping anyway.
And it's not going to bring them back,even if i had them in the first place.
After about a million tears that shed, i've finally pull myself back together and kept going.
My throat starts to clench and my eyes burn with the tears that im trying to hold back.
Everyone says, "It will be okay…"
But i know it won't.
And that’s the truth, it won’t.
And i look back on all of the hurt i had from this,
and i realized that people are horrible.
Im still hurt, but i've learned to hide it so that everyone thinks im okay.
So now every time i see this person,
I still love them, and i feel a slight tingle in my heart ;
yearning for them to love me , "x
screaming out,for some reason they don't hear it.
And im wondering how one person could have caused all of this...
Thursday, July 17 21:13
This is for my dearest ST&Q .This song is dedicated to you people in ST&Q.
yes, i remember the camp we had during march.
i miss the laugh, i miss the fights.
but most of all, i miss you people.
my training days with you guys was totally awesome.
it was bumpy, yet it was a great experience to team up with you.
im sorry i had to go.
im sorry for leaving everyone behind.
those cards are placed on the shelves.
how do i run the words to say goodbye?
my heart don have the heart to say goodbye.
how do i let go of this?
i want you guys to know how much i truly cherish every minute with you all.
i love Ferlisya Rinjasmin
i love Andy Ho
i love Caesarine Tong
i love Mohd Syafazihan Bin Ghazali
i love Mohd Arif Bin Mazlan
i love you people.
anyone from nytp & my friend that i left out?
haha.
okey, next to someone.
yes, everyone has been bugging me.
so im just guessing everyone has been bugging you too.
im sorry for all the trouble i cause.
i know by now, a feeling of hatred or whatsoever is growing.
lets just face it, i dont dare to look at you anymore.
i hope everything stays the same as before.
&& bestfriend, thank you or that gift.
i was speechless for about 10 sec.
i wasnt expecting anything from you.
you're always there for me.
im sorry if i hurt you in a way or two.
i know it suck when im angry.
so, i apologize.
ps;you're sweet, you're giving me toothache.ily.
pss; its not that i want to avoid you or anything but,if i were you, i'll avoid me.
Tuesday, July 15 16:58
tag replies ;Bulan ;
baby, im always here for you(:
dont worry, i love you too. alotalot.
Leesh. ;
ThankYou leesh. for everything.
i wont forget that night . it was totally awesome.
D; . ST&F rock like, forever. :DDD
Nadd ;
hoho.
i wont next time. Thankyou for your concern.
i love you so muchh. tomorrow, i play with your cat (((:
zZz ;
who are you kidding?
well dont you have a life?
who i like,adore,love,hate,be indifferent to or whatsoever,
doesnt concern you anyway.
jadon has said enough.
why are you unsatisfied?
shouldnt that be me? kid, listen up,
dont spit here. go play with the other bloggers with no life.
cause for your info, i have a life to deal with.
but definately not dealing with you. grow up soon.
jadon ;
ignore that pathetic kid.Ty .
caesy ;
geees, i'll blog up about t&a squad when i have everyone's photo ok?
i love you caesy.
Thank you for making me feel better that night.
i still have that welcome back + get well soon card.
its so sweet that i keep on reading again, and again.
*teary eyes*
haha.
tags replied.
16:21
i havent been myself lately.
yes, i agree.
i break down more easily now adays.
im trying to hold on to someone,but im scared that i might slip away
having the world looking down on me, wasnt what i want.
i want to be the girl i use to be.
who am i running to? where am i going to run to?
im eating ice though everyone has warnned me not to.
and i've stop eating my medicine though mom has nagged about it.
i've recover so whats the use of eating those medicine?
to gain more strength? please.
im feeling rather lethargic in class.
i pay no attention to the teachers and even when they ask me to.
i couldnt bother to know whats up with school.
&& i dont know where to go for the next class.
i have no clue on what chapter is tested for the next test,
or when is the next test.
i laugh alot in school,
but i have no intentions to goof around during classes.
its the only time that i can ease my mind, for once . before i get home.
there are pros and cons of going to school.
but what i love most about school is the people.
you get to see them when you passby their lockers,
go up and down the stairs.
passby the canteen, or even going to the ladies.
even when you dont get to talk to them,
atleast i know how they are doing by the expression of their faces.
ps; like the roots, holding on to the soil.
im holding on to you.
Monday, July 14 21:30
Oh yes, i know i dont get to see you as and when i like.and i cant find the right words to say.
i bet you know how much pain im going through right now.
but whatsoever, this song is for you.
Amber Pacific;Gone so Young.
I never dreamt it'd be this way
I lost any chance for me to say
To say that I miss you, say that I love you
Will someone please tell me I'm okay
I wasn't prepared for what's to come
A life made of memories gone so young
And now I'm regretting all I've done
But in your heart you know that I'm with you all along
Wherever you go, I will be waiting
Whenever you call, I will be there
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright
I'm in your heart tonight
I never thought that this could go
And take me away from all I know
And leave me to think I'm on my own
But your love will take me, you were the one...
...Who sat through nights
You held me tight
And made sure I'm okay
And I thank you for the love you gave to me
Wherever you go, I will be waiting
Whenever you call, I will be there
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright
I'm in your heart tonight...
Tonight...
Wherever you go, I will be waiting
Whenever you call, I will be there
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright
Wherever you go, I will be waiting
Whenever you call, I will be there
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright
And if I should fall, I know you're waiting
And if I should call, I know you're there
If ever you cry just know
I'm in your heart tonight...
I'm in your heart tonight.
ILOVEYOU.
Sunday, July 13 21:57
He drops his suitcase by the doorShe knows her daddy won't be back anymore
She drags her feet across the floor
Trying to hold back time to keep him holding on
And she says "Daddy, Daddy, don't leave
I'll do anything to keep you
Right here with me
Can't you see how much I need you?
Daddy, Daddy, don't leave
Mommy's saying things she don't mean
She don't know what shes talking about
Somebody hear me out "
"Father, listen
Tell him that he's got a home and he don't have to go
Father, save him
I will do anything in return
I'll clean my room, try hard at school
I'll be good, I promise you
Father, Father
I pray to you."
Now she hasn't slept in weeks
She don't want to close her eyes 'cause she scared that he'll leave
They tried just about everything
But its getting harder now for him to breathe
And she says, "Daddy, Daddy don't leave
I'll do anything to keep you
Right here with me
Can't you see how much I need you?
Daddy, Daddy, don't leave
Adults are saying things they don't mean
They don't know what they're talking about
Somebody hear me out "
"Father (Father), listen (Listen)
Tell him that he's got a home and he don't have to go
Father (Father), save him
I will do anything in return
I'll clean my room, try hard at school
I'll be good, I promise you
Father, Father
I pray to you
"Please don't let him go (don't let him go)
I'm begging you so (begging you so)
Let him open eyes (eyes)
Need a little more time (time)
To tell him that I love him more
Than anything in the world
Its daddy little girl
"Father (Father), listen (listen)
Tell him that he's got a home and he don't have to go
Father (Father), save him
I will do anything in return
I'll clean my room, try hard at school
I'll be good, I promise you
Father, Father"
She was daddy's little girl
18:51
when i stand in a crowded room i feel alone like nobody's thereand when u speak so cold to me i can see ur breath in the air
it's taking it's toll on me in the bathroom taking showers
so u don't see me cry cause to me it's such a crime
i've tried to feel confident,i'm bitter & you're not making sense
i missed you till you almost took my sanity
you're like poetry,hiding behind the words you speak
i'm fighting & you're hiding behind the words
you're speaking & changing the words
why are you hiding?
when i give you gratitude,you act like you don't hear me speak
and when i tell you what you do to me you don't even hear the truth.
what are you trying to prove?
i stare out the window for hours cause you won't listen to me
you won't even look in my eyes.
be it.
i love Wong En Yi Jadon
i love Nurul Yazlynn Bte Sazali
i love Siti Nur Aishah Bte Yacob
i love Nurul Amira Bte Rahmah
i love Nadheera Begum Bte Mohd Rafie
i love Chew Jia Hui
i love Syaza Ruziani Bte Ahmad R
i love Md Quraisyidin Bin Aziz
i love Ahmad Bin Ismail
i love Muhammad Fauzi B Adam
Thank you lovelies.
ILY
Friday, July 11 20:19
this very moment, its not about what i want in life.its about the people who've help me and stayed by my side through this one week.
i find the camp unmanageable but hey, i completed the 5 days course.
special thanks i'd like to reach to ;
Jadon ;
Thank you so much for being there for me throughout the 5 days.
Yes, we're in different watch, but still, you kept a look out for me and im touched.
We've gone our separate ways and I know we're about to forget each other.
But im wondering , will I ever have friends like you again?
Well,it's not a 'good-bye', only a long 'I'll see you later.' right?
Though its a sudden we're close during the camp , i dont wish you to forget me.
somehow or what, i'll miss being your GIRLfriend.
Yazlynn ;
IM FINE. dont worry.
nothing is going to happen to me. i swear.
YES, i know i cant really be there for you but i've told fie to take care of you for me.
i love you so much and so does fie.
but if anything were to happen to me over weekend,
just know that im always,forever will be there for you.
Thank you for the sweet&bitterness moments in camp.
And for making you worry, im sorry.
The hug before i went off to home, was enough to comfort me.
Jin Siang ;
A wonderful friend from yio chu kang.
You are irritating but, you made me learnt alot of lesson.
i wasnt confident enough to walk up and down the hill with the heavyload bagpack.
i was way back the others before you encouraged me. THANK YOU.
and, i cried, not because i couldnt take it, its because someone like you, was able to pull up my strength.
The 3 tentmates ;
I love you girls.
Without those lame craps, the night wasnt complete.
Im sorry if its hard to wake me up.
-_- .
dont pinch me the next time i sleep.
i need 9 HOURS of sleep , yknow.
The rest of Armstrong mates ;
presenting ;
Kumar the bravery.
Jonathan the Kung Fu panda.
Wei Kang the no expression yet funny kid.
Shawndy the nerdtron
Fie the toughguy.
Charlotte the werdyy
Deela the almighty
Joanne the prettyhead
Julia the teacher; Ms Low Chai Ling's twin..
Daphne the encourager.
In addition,
i'd like to thank Mr Apple again.
for that hug.
I will hold on to the promise i made that night.
i will be misisng you.
and, i will work hard.
ps; Im still touched by Jadon. cs out of nowhere, he came by. THANKYOU.