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madame

Izzy ☺
Female ♀ & Turning 17 ,
Muhammad Hairil Bin Samsuri ♥
PEPS Class of 05'
YISS Class of 09'
Current student in ITE CW




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Sunday, November 30 14:06



a true friend is a person who is there for you through think and thin.
they don't judge you by the clothes you wear, or the size of your house.
they love you no matter what.
they are a shoulder to cry on, or a partner to laugh with.
they stand by you in your times of need, and listen when you are excited.
they know every little about you. they stand up for you when others don't.

in reality, im slowly losing my mind. underneath the guise of smile, gradually im dying inside. friends ask me how i feel and i lie convincingly. Cause i don't want to reveal the fact that im suffering.

so sing this lie with me.
cause its the best that i've gotten so far.

Saturday, November 29 19:31



Things havent been okay quite lately.
but, talking to ein reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally made me feel better.
im starting to miss her like hell alreadyy.
im at home, webcamming ^^ . hahaha

Sarah is here, parents and fai went to dinner.
but anyway, today is Sarah's birthday eve.
and imma spend the night with her.
i swear im bringing coffee with me, cs i dont wanna fall asleep.
Yes, really.

hahahahahahahhaha.
erhm, i have no plans for tomorrow but i think i wont be home that early tomorrow.
Its Sarah's birthday, so why bother to go home early.
AHAHAHAHHA.

anyway, everyone says holding on makes us feel stronger.
but i realised that its letting go.

Andy, im sorry ok. dont hafta be such a sissy boy to be mad over some stupid things you made.
if you hadnt forget to start timing,
i wouldnt have squeeze chilli sauce into your drink.
Anyway, i cant wait for new youth athletes.
This is sooo awesome.

HAHAHAHAHHAH.
yessa, im like officially S.A.L
haha. and believe it or not, tho im craving to buy cig,
im pulling myself back.
Its time for me to learn to say no to cig.
CHEY. skali cannot make it.
hahahahhahahahahahha

i hope mom buys me otah-otah.
my all time favourite ala carte.
HAHAHAH.

I WANTED TO CRY, BUT THEN, NOW IM FEELING HAPPY.
HAPPY AS EVER.
HAHAHAHAHAHHA.

okey, chocolate; i love.
nice.

Wednesday, November 26 01:12
update *

its 1:13 am and i cant sleep cause its raining, like heavily.
everyone who's close to me is asleep except for kak arzi and fai and lee.

well, its been a while that i last posted about what i really thought,
or how i really feel
tonight seems to quiet and peaceful.
i've longed for this moment where i can finally post about what i thought or what i feel.

i've been feeling lost, empty and so melancholy this few weeks.
im trying to move on despite the ache i have for leesya.
despite the heart-rending decision i had for didi.
despite the mentallity i had for ein.

i asked myself this question over and over again,
is it worth to have someone new in my life?
is it worth to just let go of what i had?
is it worth to make believe that what happen in the past is just a dream?
- the moments i had with ein.
- the laughs in the locker with leesya.
- the "abc" game that didi hated?

the song sampai menutup mata is playing in my mind and im crying.
the email that was sent to me by leesya is running in my head.
and the bets that i made with didi still crosses through my thoughts

i can never have the awesome showertime during training,
the best laugh i have during class,
and the funny secrets like how i had with them

Tuesday, November 25 21:11



i've learned that our background and circumstances may
have influenced who we are, but we are
responsible for who we become.

i read about the evils of drinking so i gave up reading.
when we drink, we get drunk.
when we get drunk, we fall asleep.
when we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
when we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
sssoooo, lets all get drunk, and go to heaven.
when you're drinking whiskey ,
you don't know where you're gonna wake up
but you know you won't have any pants on.

there's no such thing as good girls gone wrong, only bad girls found out.
i may be bad, but I'm perfectly good at it.
rehab is for quitters. fuck the police.

bytheway, Fai won an award of drummer of the year fr 2008.
held in marsiling CC ; 15th november.
okgo

ps:enjoy yourself. these are the good old days you're going to miss in the years ahead.

Monday, November 24 22:34



uhm. Fxckyou eh.
NBCB.NBCB.NBCB.NBCB.


hhahaha.
eh, i cant wait for thursday uh.
not because of the bbq uh.

hahahahahahahah
alyph pathetic uh
hahahahahahahahahaha.
NBCB :DD

Sunday, November 23 19:55




And I don't know how you did it but you made me a believer ~

boy, i love you so much.
when will i see you again ?
when will i hug you again ?
i love being around you.

is it possible if i never let you go?
cs i love you so much to ever let go.

03:41


im feeling lucky tonight. i just dont know why.
i was fucked up before this and friends just dont bother about it.
some friends i knew totally change, like totally.
they'll forget me. and they'll remember me when they see me.
and then they'll pretend as if they're busy but actually,
they have the whole time in the world.

whatever. im no emo kid.
so whatever.
scenekids are having outing to sentosa on 6th december.
not sure if im tagging along.
i mean, thats if dad allow la. pfft.

ugh. im feeling lucky. i dont know why.
i feel lucky cause im gay
im not gonna dwell about my friends not remembering me.
yea, i mean, sorry uh if you're saying i dont fit in with yall but
really you all gross me out.
its so pathetic to have this kind of friends.
the friends who forgets what they have before things change.
im refering to everyone, cs everyone is just the same.
honestly, i dont even know who to trust anymore.
but trust me, meeting this someone makes a whole lot different
because im gay.

ok?
so run around now if you're gay.
cause im gay.
okgo.

ps; im gay. because im a man acting like a girl.
i adore guys cs im gay.

Friday, November 21 23:43



so, currently , life is in a good ride.
if you know what i mean.
and to be honest, moving on isnt a bad thing afterall.
i get to meet new people, get new ideas, exchanged thoughts, etc.
yes, khalil knocked my head. haha
he said the old izzie was better ;
confident, know what she wants, or in other word, independent.
i had a hard time standing back on my feets.
but with some hands reaching out to me, its much more easier than i thought.

talking about friends.
where did my friends go?
some helped.
but what happen to the friends who said "i'll be there for you always"
but when i needed them at my worst,
all i see is some footprints walking away from me.
i miss ein, i miss didi, i miss leesya.
i miss andy, i miss ryan.
are you people away?
or just drifting away?

Sarah has been there for me for better or worst.
Although she's a pain in my ass, she's the only one i can trust.
Sarah, if you're reading this, i love you deep deep okeyy.
Its a lucky thing you're outside and im inside the room.
or, you'll just happen to see the tears thats' rolling down.
If i happen to fall asleep today, maafkan la aku.

* aku sungguh masih sayang padamu
jangan sampai kau meninggalkan aku
begitu sangat berharga dirimu bagiku
dan ku pastikan setia dihatimu
dan ku korbankan semuanya untukmu
sungguh kuberharap kau pun bergitu padaku~

okey, back. ahahah.
tomorrow im having breakfast date with sarah.
then im meeting my classmates at 10 -.-
pathetic.
hah.

im off now.

Thursday, November 20 17:33
WEE. saya gembira. saya berbahasa melayu. anehnyer.



Dearest cousin Arleana aka nana,

CONGRATULATIONS! Im really proud of you. really.
i got excited after you told me the news.
and i was jumping in joy.
sounds stupid but, really, true.
i did jump around.
so, kirekan pak long tak botak kan rambut la nie?
hahaha.

now that you are stepping into sec 1,
make sure you dont terpengaruh with your seniors to be eh.
you're a bright girl with bright future.
so make sure you get your very own N cert and Os cert ((:
weeeee.
im happy for you.

AND



Dearest cousin Isham aka awie or jibin(hahaha)

CONGRATULATIONS! im very, very proud of you.
retaining a year in primary 6 really paid off afterall.
i know i've been so cruel towards you in the pass when i usedto tutor you.
and i knw i didnt had any hopes for you, and im sorry.
BUT HEY, im really proud of you boy.
i know one of your school choice is yusof ishak,
so be prepared to get bully by me in school eh.
i will have my eyes on you 24/7 .
HAHAHA.

I LOVE THE BOTH OF YOU TO THE CORE.
i never said this, but just know that i do ok.
teruskan semangat belajar. ^^,
okgo.

Sunday, November 16 22:13




Im missing Leesya badly.
i cried yesterday cause i was f-in tensed.
i just had to break down.
Yea, everyone said i must be strong.
everyone said i must move on.
But they dont know how deep i fall this time.
Crying infront of everyone hurts less than faking a smile.
Didi and Yan was right.
I do run away from my feelings.
But no matter how far i run, i know that i'll return home.
Yan, i give up. really, i give up.
you're right and i was wrong.
i cant run away from everything,
cs everything will come back to me.

Who am i gripping on to now?
Whos' gonna be there for me now?
Whats' gonna happen in the future ?

i've yet to find the answers.


* i look at the moon every 15th,16th cs its a fullmoon.
she's so pretty that i wish i could be her.
she glows at night and i wish i do.

fck,im being so emo.
goodnight now.

Thursday, November 13 20:01
this song is special.




give me more lovin then i've ever had.
make it all better when i'm feelin sad.
tell me that i'm special even when i know i'm not.
make me feel good when i hurt so bad.
barely gettin mad,
im so glad i found you.
i love bein around you.
you make it easy,
as easy as 1 2,(1 2 3 4.)

theres only one thing two do three words four you.
i love you.(i love you)
theres only one way two say those three words
and that's what i'll do.
i love you.(i love you)

give me more lovin from the very start.
piece me back together when i fall apart.
tell me things you never even tell your closest friends.
make me feel good when i hurt so bad.
best that i've had.
im so glad that i found you.
i love bein around you.
you make it easy as easy as 1 2,(1 2 3 4.)

theres only one thing two do three words four you.
i love you.(i love you)
theres only one way two say those three words
and that's what i'll do.
i love you.
i love you(i love you)

you make it easy, its easy as 1234
theres only one thing two do three words four you
i love you (i love you)
theres only one way two say those three words
thats what i'll do
i love you(i love you)
i love you
i love you.
one two three four i love you.(iloveyou)
i love you (i love you)

Wednesday, November 12 13:23
okey, this song is just plain awesome.
tho the music video isnt as good as rockstone bands,
the lyrics is just oh-so- meaningful.
check it out.
this is dashboard confessional w/ the song hands down.





Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth,
as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,
we're doing nothing at all.

My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here, from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and let you in.
And you stood at the door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it

Monday, November 10 19:04
this track is awesome. its by flyleaf ; broken wing.

Ahmad,check this out.
this is for you.
cheer up ok.
you can dedicate this song for her ^^,



Thank you for being such a friend to me
Oh I pray a friend for life,
And have I ever told you how much you mean to me?
Oh you're everything to me
Thinking all the time how to tell you what I feel,
Contemplating phrases....I'm gazing at eternity,
I am floating in serenity...

And I am so lost for words
And I am so overwhelmed

Please don't leave just yet
Can you stay a moment please
We can dance together
We can dance forever

Under your stars tonight
We'll live and breathe this dream
So close your eyes, but don't dream too deep
And please pass me some memories
And when I fall you're underneath
1000 broken hearts, carried by 1000 broken wings

Saturday, November 8 12:50





Maybe if my heart stops beating
it wont hurt this much
and never will I have to
answer again to anyone

please don't get me wrong
because I’ll never let this go
but I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
but now I feel like I don't know you oh

one day you'll get sick of
saying that everything’s alright
and by then I’m sure ill be
pretending just like I am tonight

please don't get me wrong
because I’ll never let this go
but I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
but now I feel like I don't know you oh

let this go
let this go

ill never let this go
but I cant find the words to tell you
I don’t want to be alone
but now I feel like I don’t know you

and I’ll never let this go
but I can't find the words to tell you
that now I feel like I don't know you



Friday, November 7 22:27
check this out.




Sometimes life seems to quiet into paralyzing silence
Like the moonless dark, meant to make me strong.
Familiar breath of my old lies
Changed the color in my eyes
Soon he will perferate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you, and hold for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole... as you flew right through me.

Left alone with only reflections of the memory
To face the ugly girl that's smothering me.
Sitting closer than my pain...
He knew each tear before it came,
And soon he will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by

We kiss each other one more time
And sing this lie that's half way mine
The sword is slicing through the questions so I won't be fooled
By his angel light..

Sorrow lasts through this night
I'll take this piece of you and for all eternity
For just one second I felt whole as you flew right though me
and up into the stars
Joy will come

Thursday, November 6 18:46

Dearest bitch,

thank you so much for puting me in the center of your world.
you shouldnt hafta but, ah-hah, you did and im so F-in touched.
the best thing about you is , you're making the people around you to know me.
and i thank you like a million tonnes for that.
Yknow,bitching bout me to your so called friends is the sexiest thing to do.
Gees you're the sex.
I know my hair never fails to catch your attention.
But you dont hafta be such a darling and tell all your friends how my hair fits me.
Well, i have some splendid suggestion for you.
Just for you, especially from me,
why dont you buy yourself a big mirror and hang it on your wall
and you get to see your own reflection;
showing you almost everything about you.
i give you a hint that mirrors do show flabs,
and im pretty sure its obvious for you to see in your own mirror.
i know you're a major fan of me,
so i helped you sign up in a group at mutherfuqyou.com/
its where all the bitches like you are.
cheers for that.
well, i shouldnt brag about being in the center of your world.
i really dont hafta. but, again, thank you so so much.
Im am so lucky to have the most idiotic earthling as family.

Love,
Izzie.
(the girl whom you called keropok lemau)

keropok lemau is like so gay.
dumbass, go fuck your boyfie and moan like a drunk cow.
moooo-moooo-moooouuuuuuhhh.
sorry but i have no time for silly sessions like bitching about whoever.
whats' written here is whats' on my mind.


and dearest Fai,
please start working as soon as possible.
you're making your parents life difficult.
you spend over 140 bucks for a week, and 560 a month.
my expenses is cut down from 100 bucks to 50 bucks cs of you.
i need to buy new lenses ( im wearing expired lenses bytheway),
i need to top up my prepaid card,
i need to buy new mascara,
i need to buy new clothings for future gatherings/meetups.

Kak lee, if you're reading this,
please tell Fai to start working and stop dreaming.
Thanks so much.
i dont mean to cause any misunderstanding or disheartening
but seriously, you're too much ,Fai.
i need money too. But i hardly ask mom for any money
cs i know you're already a pain in her ass.
pfft. sometimes, i wonder what happen to your dreams.
my friend said that you dream of your dreams .
so here i am, saying to you,
keep dreaming, cs one day you'll be rich.
just by dreaming.


07:45
i'd like to say a big thank you to everyone who wished me.
yesterday was awesome except for evening where everything was fxked up.

Thanks to (insertnamebelow)
for leaving birthday wish on fs comment:

harad, nurul(bonchit), jia hui, qin,
nysa, mitchelle, luq, rusydina, shirley,
kailin, nuraini, fahmi, thivya, asyikin,
mia, helmi, aim, maya, rahimi, azrul,
syahidah, kenny, shara, efah, musfirah,
aqilah, maureen, ida, shak, hafiz, banu,
dee, dee(kchyk), ein, wei ting.
and others whom im not sure their name is.

Thanks to (insertnamebelow)
for the text messages:

Liyana, Wei Ting, Ein, Shya, Eqa,
Jenn,Yaya,Ayda,Didi,Sheryl,Janny

Thanks to (insertnamebelow)
for the call:

Fizzy, Kak Arzi, Wei Ting.

Thanks to (insertnamebelow)
for counting down with me in msn:
Fizzy, Ein, Kenny.

Thanks to (insertnamebelow)
for wishing me in msn:

ika, claudius, ein, Fizzy, kenny, hakeem.

Thanks to (insertnamebelow)
for tagging my board :

ika, ein, nanep, bulan.

But on top of that,


Thank You Sarah for the unexpected cake :DDD
Sarah texted me in the afternoon asking my whereabout
and said that she wanted to meet up cause she wanted cigarette.
Met up with Sarah at BB pizza hut
and she handed me a secret recipe cheesecake (:
course i was touched so i had teary eyes.

Sarah wrote at the napkin :
"HAPPY BITHDAY BACEN! aku cinta kau tapi aku cinta faris lebih! -.- "
*a little something from me. i hope you love it okays!*

sweet sia and im touched.




Thank you Ein for wishing me everywhere.
hahahaha.
Ein was online the night before my birthday.
She went online with me just to countdown with me to my birthday.
touched,touched, touched.
i thought she'd forgotten my birthday 8S
after wishing me, she went to bed -.-
hahahahahah
but she texted me in the morning asking if im celebrating my birthday.
ahahahahahhahaha.
and and and. she texted me saying ghappy birthday again.
hah


And thanks Fizzy for yesterday.
it was awesome.
hahahahaha.

the chat we had was really awesome and interesting.
and above all the chats, i had a fun time laughing.
tho it rain , and i was dizzy and i was super close to blacking out,
i had a fun day afterall.

while chatting at the coffee bean, i made friends with two birds.
they're really stubborn and irritating yknow.
i dont get it why the bird have to come near me.
i can still remember how the bird stared at me.
stupid bird, i didnt even messed your life and you're messing mine.
bodoh peh burung.
"burung siaper terlepas? tolong jaga betul-betul boleh tak?"




and, and, and thanks to Bulan for the sweet sweet post in her blog.
she made me cry also.

She wrote:
" Dearest Girlfriend,

Happy 15th birthday to you. You've grown much much older now and jyeah, much prettier too! Oh my dog! Chey. Ahahahahaha. To have you as my girlfriend for the past three year ( soon to be ) its something that is priceless. I treasure those times that we had together, especially the time when you help me during obs and kept giving me warm hug when you see that I'm so-not okay. Hahahaha. Just so you know, I love you much, much than you ever thought. Eventhough we've been in separated class for 2 years and still, doesn't mean that our friendship end here right? Somehow, I trust you and thats the reason I share my secrets with you. You're there when I down and I appreciate you for all that. That really makes me love you more hunns.

I'll end it here for now. Do take good care of yourself and enjoy your day okay?
Once again, I love you, girlfriend <3 "

omg. i cried after that.
supersweet.
i love you too nurul. :DDDD


Slack, you said you're gonna make it up for it.
im waiting horrrrr! -.-

haha.
so , overall, morning and afternoon was fun.
except for evening.
trust me,i dont even want to talk about it.
but i dont blame anyone for it.
its the wednesday anyway.
my day, my bad day.
i'll end everything here i guess?
hahah.

till the next post.
oyye ahpek, take care ah lu

Monday, November 3 08:57


















i just feel like posting some pictures.haha.
im in love with my blog song. hahh.
" ... just keep your love lockdown, love lockdown.
just keep your love lockdown,love lockdown ... "
thanks fizzy for like just now eh.

everyone has been telling me to move on.
im trying hard to pick myself up
but i always fall back tothe ground.
like what andy said " no matter how hard i cry, things arent gonna change"
i miss my friends.
especially ein. yes, i miss her very very much.
i cry thinking of her.
as much as i need Didi and Leesya, i need her too.
"soon, things will change. everything is gonna be ok." -fira

im not tryna be emo, thats why my blog song is kinda catchy.
hahaha.
i feel like party-ing.
-__________________________- (zZzZzZzZzZzZz)


" As time goes by, life has a way of rearranging itself.
People enter your life, and inevitably, they leave as well.
Things have a tendency to happen that can turn your world upside down.
You'll come to realize eventually, that even though things are different, you are as well. "

'I love you' means that I accept you for the person that you are,
and that I do not wish to change you into someone else.
It means that I will love you and stand by you ;
even through the worst of times.
It means loving you when you're in a bad mood or too tired to do things I want to do.
It means loving you when you're down,
not just when you're fun to be with.
I love you means that I know your deepest secrets ;
and do not judge you for them,
asking in return only that you do not judge me for mine.
It means that I care enough to fight for what we have
and that I love you enough not to let go.
It means thinking of you, dreaming of you,
wanting and needing you constantly,
hoping you feel the same way for me.

Saturday, November 1 22:03
[thursday ]

thursday was rather horrible.
had dance training.
it was a 4 hour training. and it was in the mediahub.
i swear i hate dancing in mediahub because its aircondition.
grrawrrr. i hate it. no perspiration. and my throat keep drying out.
pffft. nurul posted something oh-so-sweet in her blog.
and i had tears rolling down.
how sweet. i love you nurul.

[ friday ]
had malay dance practise
and went home at 12.
met sarah , mom and fai at lot 1.
had KFC for dinner.
fai invited me to his gig on saturday. superfriendly sia.
then went home to get my stuffs.
went out and went to Sarah's crib to overnight.
before going to Sarah's house, went to meet feeqry then light cancerstick
after lighting at feeq's blk,
went back to Sarah's crib and light cancerstick when her parents go off to fetch pig.
was cancersticking and saw fyir,kiyfe and qiffe ; walking towards my block.
hahaha.
i think they got the wrong info.

HAHAHAHAHA.

[ saturday ]
woke up at 8.30 and met kak lee at Jurong East Stn at 10.45
kiyfe wanted to meet up at his block but i was alr late.
so i said maybe next time. hahahaha. sorry uhhh
woah. dammit, super shockk.
Ryan and Hafiz was there. was like very very very very shockk uh.
andandand went to kampung melayu with the rest of the band members.
hahaha.
did the deco with hafiz,ryan and kak noh(?) .
super funny cs the theme was halloween. and kak lee's disguise was super scary.
talking about scary, met julieSCARY and erlyna. haha.
also shockk.
fai's band was super awesome.
woooh.
alamakk. didnt get to stay up for hafiz's band performance.
but i doubt its boring.
ahahahahahahahahha.
chatted with kel and ahmad and sarah.
watched an english film .
it was super touching but i didnt get the title of the movie.
what a waste. hahh
talked on the phone with Didi and urggh.
both of us had sheetyou attitude.
sorry ugh Di

[ sunday ]
received text mesg from mom at 9 in the morning.
and i totally forgot that cik in's engagement is today.
hahaha. kakak asked to help out so jyeah.
will be heading to cik in's house to help out later.
mom bought big breakfast fr me and fai.
and i couldnt finish it cause im having stomach ache.
ahaha.
i think Didi is still asleep so i dont wanna disturb him when he's asleep.
i bet he's like an angel when he;s sleeping.
cehhyyyy. hahahahahah.
and thank god friendster comment and friends request has reduced.
who wants to entertain 14 friend request and 22 comments?
hahahaha.
go die ,friendster.
im considering on deleting friendster.
but friendster is the only way to keep in touch with mates.
so should i or shouldnt' ?


ok,thats all for today's post.
will update like, soon , cause i wanna upload ytd's gig.
trust me, fai's first song was awesome
okeyygo